Twilight Conversations
by CullenGirl1901
Summary: Random Conversations I make up using Twilight Characters. Made loads of these ages ago so I hope you like them! I had no idea what to do with them until I found Fanfiction!
1. 18th Birthday Party

**Alice Party Planning with the Cullens**

**Basically Alice and the Cullens are planning Bella's 18th birthday party. :)**

Alice: *Reading a long list of instructions* Okay everyone this party is going to be amazing.

Emmett: Alice she's turning 18 it's not that big a deal.

Alice: I know but I needed a reason to throw another party and this is it. *Turns to face Esme* Okay so Esme you are in charge of flowers.

Esme: Of course only the finest of flowers flown in from Italy.

Alice: *Ticks something on the list* Rosalie you were in charge of party outfits.

Rosalie: Yes I have them they are in your room.

Alice: *Ticks something on the list* Carlisle how's the birthday cake coming along?

Carlisle: Very well I just have to ice it.

Alice: *Writes beside something on the list _needs to be iced_* Jasper how are the decorations going?

Jasper: Done I just can't find a banner.

Alice: *sighs* *Writes beside something on the list _find a banner_* Emmett you wrapped the presents right?

Emmett: Ugh...

Alice: Emmett I ask you to do one thing! ONE THING! *Writes _WRAP PRESENTS_ on Emmett's forehead.* Now go and do it. The party's tonight!

*Emmett goes upstairs with wrapping paper and tape*

Esme: Alice calm down honey. You've got your part done right?

Alice: Yes of course my part is done I got the presents.

Rosalie: Weren't you supposed to invite Bella?

Alice: I...I...Um...No?

All Cullens except for Edward: ALICE!

Alice: I can explain...You see...I...

Edward: Hi guys. *Walks over to Alice* I invited Bella for you.

Alice: Thank God someone's on top of things!


	2. Shopping

**Alice, Rosalie and Bella go shopping together for the first time (Bella's a vampire)**

**This is team work between Bella and Rosalie. :)**

*Walk into H&M*

Bella: Oh Alice really?

Alice: Really you need clothes nice ones at that so this is how we're doing it.

Rosalie: *Whispers to Bella* Just go along with whatever she wants and chuck it when she's not looking then I'll take you shopping for real clothes.

Alice: *looking at a rack of clothes in Bella's size* Hello I do have vampire super hearing you know. And you most certainly WON'T chuck anything I pick for you.

Bella: Shut up about vampires do you want to expose us?

Rosalie: Relax Bella this mall is for vampires _only_.

Bella: Oh.

Alice: The people who own it are totally cool vampires they belonged to the 90210 Coven but have moved here to show us the way of shopping. *Throws loads of clothes towards Bella.* what are you waiting for? Try them on!

Bella: Okay but you know they're going to fit... *Walks toward a dressing room*

Rosalie: Alice I don't see why you're doing this you already bought a million pairs of clothes...

Alice: I know but Jasper won't let me shop for him anymore.

Rosalie: I wonder _why_.

*Bella walks out holding all the clothes Alice picked out.*

Alice: Well?

Bella: They are all great!

Alice: Really! *Bella nods* Oh see! I have the best sense of style no matter what you say Rose!

Rosalie: Of _course you do._ *winks at Bella and Bella winks back*

Alice: Now let's go get some shoes. *Rosalie and Bella groan* we're just getting started!


	3. After Honeymoon

**Edward and Emmett talking after Bella and Edward's honeymoon**

**Exactly what the title says :P**

Emmett: So tell me the juicy details!

Edward: There's nothing to tell.

Emmett: OH COME ON! Edward you got her knocked up there's _SOME _story.

Edward: Like I'm going to tell _you _of all people about my sex life.

Emmett: Fine I bet _Bella_ would tell me.

Edward: Yeah right.

Emmett: Then tell me!

Edward: No because unlike you I like to keep my sex life private.

Emmett: That's not my fault you read my mind man!

Edward: Yeah well whatever only perverted people think about it ALL THE TIME.

Emmett: Bet you $10 you're thinking about it.

Edward: No

Emmett: See! I'm not the perverted one!

Edward: Um yeah you are. You're thinking about _me and Bella_ man that's sick.

Emmett: Ugh Edward man get out my head!

Edward: Will be glad to. *Walks off*

Emmett: So there's not even a possibility you'd tell me...?

Edward: NO EMMETT!

Emmett: Damn.


	4. Stud Services

**Edward and Jacob – Jacob offering his "Stud Services"**

**My version of the B.D conversation Edward and Jacob have**

Edward - I need to talk to you

Jacob – spill

Edward - will you have sex with Bella?

Jacob - Hell yeah!

Edward - Because I don't want her to die because of our baby

Jacob - Oh so you're not breaking up?

Edward - No what gave you that idea?

Jacob - You just said you wanted me to have sex with Bella

Edward - Yes so we can have a child that won't kill her

Jacob - Kind of selfish don't you think?

Edward - No... Dude I'm letting you have SEX WITH BELLA

Jacob - I know what's in it for me?

Edward - SEX WITH BELLA

Jacob - Does that mean she'll never find out?

Edward – Yes

Jacob - She'll get suspicious and won't sleep with me mostly because she loves you

Edward - Just do it... for Bella

Jacob - Ok but only because you said I can have sex with Bella

Edward - THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

Jacob - Ok dude whatever.


	5. Puppies

**Jacob trying to get Bella to sleep with him**

**Ties in with the last chap**

Jacob: Hey Bella

Bella: Hi Jake

Jacob: So um... how are you? You look...pale.

Bella: I'm okay. And yourself?

Jacob: I'm good. So I was talking to Edward...and he said that the baby is hurting you.

Bella: Yeah I know but I think it's going to be okay, as long as my hearts still beating. *Pats stomach and smiles*

Jacob: Yeah I was thinking...if you got an abortion...and started again...you could have a child that won't kill you...

Bella: Wow hey what do you mean?

Jacob: Well it's obvious the baby is killing you.

Bella: I know but I'll make it okay because I don't have to be fully alive just my heart has to be...

Jacob: I get it but I'm saying _we_ could have a child and it wouldn't kill you and it'd still be your baby.

Bella: No!

Jacob: Why?

Bella: It's because this is _his _baby I want it. It's special.

Jacob: So you won't sleep with me?

Bella: NO! I'M MARRIED JAKE!

Jacob: Oh okay it was worth a shot.

Bella: Just get out of here Jake.

Jacob: Okay fine but when you die don't ask me to stick around.

Bella: I won't.

Jacob: *Turns to walk but turns back* so you'll kiss me...but there's not even a remote chance you'd...

Bella: LEAVE JACOB!

Jacob: Fine!


	6. Good Old Days

**Emmett and Jasper talk about "The good old days"**

**Boy talk :)**

*Emmett and Jasper sigh*

Emmett: Man I miss the days me and Rosalie destroyed houses together. Now she's all about _that _baby.

Jasper: I know man it sucks. Alice doesn't even _look _at me the way she used to.

Emmett: We have to do something.

Jasper: Like?

Emmett: I don't know. Something to get their hearts racing for us again you know man?

Jasper: Yeah I guess so. Maybe we could go and buy them something.

Emmett: *Gives Jasper _a look_* man what are we girls?

Jasper: You're right, yeah that's sissy. Maybe we could take them out to a hotel and smash up hotel rooms.

Emmett: You and Alice smashed up hotel rooms?

Jasper: Hell yeah! We used to always be on the run. And to act human we checked into some hotels.

Emmett: Maybe me and Rose can try that.

Jasper: So what did you guys do?

Emmett: Oh man, we did _IT everywhere _man! The beach, the sea, a hot tub, the bath, and this one time –

Jasper: Okay _WAY_ too much information. Sounds like it was a blast.

Emmett: Totally Jazz. I mean I miss the way Rose used to be.

Jasper: Tell me about it...No wait don't.

Emmett: *laughs* I just wish we could one last time.

Jasper: Yeah.

*Both sigh again.*


	7. Wedding Plans

**Esme and Alice making wedding plans**

**Alice, Alice, Alice. ;)**

Esme: So Alice, what is the theme?

Alice: Classic and since Edward doesn't know _anything _we have to guess what _he'd_ like because it's his and Bella's dream wedding.

Esme: And their _only _wedding.

Alice: You mean they aren't going to be like Rosalie and Emmett and get married _over and over_ again?

Esme: No Alice, Bella says she only wants to go through that _once_. We are not putting her through it twenty different times.

Alice: *sighs* _fine,_ I got some ideas from Edward. *Takes out a huge long list* Now I don't think we can _everything_ on the list but I'm sure we'd get pretty close...

Esme: Alice we are NOT doing ALL OF THAT!

Alice: Okay then what are we going to do?

Esme: Keep it classic and minimal.

Alice: That's not how I do things Esme.

Esme: Well it's about time you did. They're just lucky you can't come on the honeymoon.

Alice: Like I'd stick around and watch my brother and his new wife/my new sister do _IT_! EW!

Esme: Well whatever we're doing this my way too and don't forget Rene has a say in it too.

Alice: Okay, okay so what's first?

Esme: Let me see the dresses.

*Alice takes Esme to her closet to see the dresses*

Esme: These look...

Alice: Too much?

Esme: Alice honey, your dress is more extravagant than Bella's that's not the way it goes.

Alice: I know but I was thinking I could...

Esme: No, honey, just no.

Alice: Okay! I have a plan I have another dress that maybe I could wear.

Esme: That dress. *points to the dress Alice was pointing to* has a tag that says _Rosalie's bridesmaid dress._

Alice: _So I don't have a minimal dress..._

Esme: Alice, honey just give up. Let me pick your dress.

Alice: _okay. _But it has to meet standards.

Esme: Oh _trust me_ it'll do.

Alice: Okay.


	8. Jake and Rose

**Rosalie and Jacob talk as friends for the first time**

**Don't get the wrong idea! Rosalie speaks on behalf of Renesmee!**

*Jacob walks over and sits where Rosalie is playing with Renesmee*

Jacob: She's a beautiful baby isn't she?

Rosalie: What do want mutt?

Jacob: Nothing! I just wanted to see Renesmee.

Rosalie: Well...you've seen her now go.

Jacob: Not so fast. I wanted to know if you wanted to go out sometime.

Rosalie: EW! Go out with a mutt? No thanks besides I'm happily married to Emmett and-

Jacob: NO NOT YOU GROSS! I was talking to Renesmee.

Rosalie: EW! SHE'S JUST A CHILD MONGREL!

Jacob: No I meant I imprinted on her.

Rosalie: EW, EW, EW, and did I say EW? Jake I don't know what that is and I don't think I want to know but um... yeah you PERVERT!

Jacob: Hey shut up bloodsucker it's not like you'd understand even if I did tell you.

Rosalie: Whatever just wait until I tell Bella she'll be _thrilled._ *Smiles smugly*

Jacob: Okay tell her she'll be cool with it.

Rosalie: No she won't not with her daughter she won't! *Walks away with Renesmee*

Jacob: HEY THEN! *Rosalie turns around* what about us?

Rosalie: You DISGUST me mutt! *Turns and continues to walk*


	9. Surprise Party

**The Cullens plan a surprise party on Alice**

**IMPOSSIBLE RIGHT?**

Bella: Okay yeah I got it. Thanks Jasper. *Hangs up phone turns to the Cullens* Okay so Jasper just told me that Alice is on her way home so let's get into position.

*All Cullens hide. Jasper opens the door and walks in with Alice and a dozen suit cases*

Alice: Where is everyone?

Cullens: *Jump up* SURPRISE ALICE!

Alice: Oh my God! I don't know how you did it but you actually surprised me.

Jasper: It was really Edward and Bella's idea. You've done so much for them they done something for you.

Alice: Oh you guys that's so sweet!

Bella: You like?

Alice: Well... *Walks around the room looking around carefully* I like the colours, but put together EW hello 80's much? The cake doesn't even look that nice it's pretty small! And don't even get me started on the –

Esme: Alice, honey there's no need to be ungrateful.

Alice: Sorry I know it's just... It's like you guys don't know me _at all!_

Emmett: Oh trust me, we know you plenty.

Rosalie: You could at least be grateful. You ungrateful little... *covers Renesmee's ears* bitch!

Alice: Okay sorry Rose it's just that this is _not _the way I'd do this –

Edward: Alice shut up! Just be grateful we _threw you _a party.

Alice: _Fine_! I don't have to like it.

Carlisle: Excellent now Alice why don't you go unpack and we can pretend there was no party.

Alice: Like I'm ever going to forget this disaster! *takes her bags upstairs ranting about what a bad party her family threw her*

Jasper: At least we tried.

*Cullen's murmur in agreement.*


	10. I Dare You

**The Dare Game**

**MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough* HAHA!**

Alice: Okay guys now the party can begin!

Jacob: What's the point of this bloodsucker?

*All Cullens look at Jacob*

Jacob: Alice! Sorry jeez...

Bella: Come on Jake it's not like we hang out anymore.

Jacob: Yeah okay...

Edward: Lighten up Jacob! And if you're spending eternity with MY daughter then you should be grateful.

Carlisle: Okay let's stop picking on Jacob for a while. Alice?

Alice: Okay! So we should have some real adult fun!

Emmet: Alright yeah! *Hi 5s Jasper and Edward*

Alice: *shakes her head* MEN!

Rosalie: Yeah I know they're the worst. *Emmett glares at Rosalie* Sorry Hun, it's the truth.

Alice: But there _might _be _some _good fun if you pay attention.

*Edward, Jasper and Emmett nod.*

Bella: You mean a dare game?

Alice: Totally! Sometimes Edward's not the only one who can read minds...

Bella: It's rubbing off on me his little quotes about you guys' thoughts have made me think like you.

Alice: Yes! We really are sisters! *Hugs Bella*

Edward: She's working hard on pushing her shield away from herself I should know I know _some_ of the things she thinks now.

*Bella feels like blushing but remembers she can't so pushes Edward instead*

Jacob: Okay can we stop being lovey dovey for a few minutes? I think I'm going to puke.

Emmett: I second that. Let's have some dares!

Jasper: Cool it Emmett. Who's first? Alice?

Alice: Um... we could go in order from who was changed first.

Jacob: _Great_ too bad I'm not a bloodsucker.

Rosalie: Then you can go last mongrel.

Emmett: So Carlisle you're up.

Carlisle: Why did I agree to this? *Esme laughs*

Emmett: Let me be the dare master and think up all the dares. Except my own dares of course.

Rosalie: Before we all groan it's not that bad if he is. I mean if not then it wouldn't be that much fun. *turns to Alice* No offence.

Alice: No, it's fine. *Starts to breathe again*

Emmett: Okay Carlisle... I dare you to... run the perimeter of Forks!

Carlisle: Easy! *Dashes out the window... 5 minutes later... Carlisle comes back* Here Emmett I picked this up for you in Canada. *Hands Emmett a dress* Oops. Wrong size.

*Everyone laughs except Emmett*

Alice: Okay, Edward you're up!

Edward: Try not to think _too hard_ about what you're doing.

Emmett: Stop it man! Okay so I dare you to _kiss_ JACOB!

*gasps from everyone*

Edward: Dude, that's sick.

Emmett: If you don't I'm sleeping with Bella. *Puts arm around Bella*

Bella: If you do then I will break your neck.

Edward: You wouldn't

Rosalie: Oh he would. One time when we were in Vegas...

Edward: ROSE NOT THAT STORY PLEASE!

Rosalie: Okay. But he would!

Carlisle: Emmett that's a bad idea...

Emmett: Come on its just one little kiss on the _lips_.

Alice: He agrees to it. *everyone turns to Alice*

Edward: I what?

Alice: *looking into space* Yeah totally you kiss him and he _kisses back_.

Jacob: WHAT? I know he would kiss me but ME KISS HIM!

Jasper: This could be interesting.

Edward: Jasper EW! You're thinking ABOUT IT!

Bella: its okay Edward just do _it._ Or else I am sleeping with Emmett tonight.

Edward: *shudders* only for you Bella.

Emmett: Alright let's see some lip action!

*Edward leans in uncomfortably. Jacob follows...*

*They kiss*

Bella: Oh my God.

*Edward pulls away, Jacob pulls away*

Jacob: That was... different.

Edward: Yes. Very.

Emmett: I got it!

*everyone turns to Emmett*

Esme: Emmett you _videotaped_ it?

Emmett: Yeah for the humans.

Jasper: and to put it on YouTube.

Alice: See guys! That wasn't so bad!

Edward: _Wasn't so bad?_ It was horrible!

Alice: Stop fussing! Okay so Esme. You next.

Emmett: Okay, I'm getting into this kissing action. You have to kiss Rose.

Esme: *motherly tone* that's unreasonable Emmett.

Rosalie: What? Emmett you ungrateful little –

Emmett: Yeah enough of the chit-chat kiss!

Edward: I kissed a _werewolf_ the worst is over... hopefully...*reads Emmett's thoughts* or not...

Bella: Shut up it gets worse?

Emmett: Much.

*Esme comes over to Rosalie*

Esme: *whispers in Rosalie's ear* Honey just imagine your happy place its okay I'm only doing it to make him happy.

Rosalie: Okay Esme.

*Rosalie goes head on and kisses Esme passionately.*

Jasper: Holy shit! She did it!

*Rosalie pulls back.*

Emmett: Rose, I can't believe that, that was incredible total lesbian love.

Esme: Watch it Emmett.

Carlisle: *To Esme* Is Rose a good kisser?

Esme: Very, and rough. She must get it from Emmett.

Alice: *To Rosalie* Rose, how did you do that without well... awkwardness?

Rosalie: It's almost like kissing Emmett...Well not really but that's what I imagined.

Emmett: Esme your turn!

Esme: I technically just had my turn.

Emmett: *annoyed tone* Okay fine... My turn!

Bella: Let me pick for Emmett!

*Cullens turn to Bella*

Bella: I have a good one trust me!

Edward: Okay love, do your worst.

Bella: I dare you to kiss JASPER!

Emmett: Wow. Now that's whack I'm not getting into this gay action.

Alice: It's only fair.

Emmett: Watch it pipsqueak!

Bella: Hey! You can't talk to her like that. Besides if _you _can make Edward _kiss _Jake I can make _you kiss Jasper_.

Jasper: Who says _I _agree.

Alice: I did!

Emmett: And if I don't?

Jacob: You can kiss _me_.

Emmett: Well I guess kissing Jasper might be better... What do you say Jazz?

Jasper: I say let's get it done.

*Jasper and Emmett peck each other on the lips then get full into it*

Rosalie: Emmett!

*Jasper and Emmett still kissing. One of them moans in pleasure*

Alice: Jasper!

*Jasper and Emmett still kissing*

Jacob: Does anyone want me to cut in?

Bella: Please! It's disturbing.

*Jacob breaks them up*

Emmett: Wow! Man you're a great kisser!

Jasper: Shut up! I was trying to pull away and you kept kissing!

Emmett: Hell no! You are not blaming your gayness on me!

Esme: *Reviewing video* No it was defiantly more Emmett.

Jasper: See!

Emmett: Okay, very smooth Bella. Alice!

Alice: Okay I'll do it but only if no one watches.

Bella: *To Edward* Do what?

Edward: *Whispers in Bella's ear* sleep with Emmett...

Bella: *Whispers back* really?

Edward: *Whispers back* seems so. She does it too.

Emmett: Excellent! Let's go! *Points to bathroom*

Rosalie: Wait! What was the dare?

Alice: Rose don't bite my head off but he wants me to sleep with him... If not he's sleeping with Jasper.

Rosalie: I'm not going to bite _your _head off oh no. Alice you're the best sister ever aside from Bella. Emmett on the other hand well... I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Carlisle: I'll leave you kids to it... Esme

*Carlisle and Esme go to their room*

Emmett: *pretends to be scared* Oh no please Rose! Don't worry.

Rosalie: DON'T WORRY HOW CAN I NOT YOU'LL CHEAT ON ME WITH MY OWN SISTER!

Edward: Calm down Rose he's thinking another dare. *pauses to read Emmett's mind* Not that one. Or that one. That one might work...

Emmett: Really? Oh good!

Alice: So Edward, are the dares all like the one he's going to go through with?

Edward: Sadly looks like it.

Alice: Fine let's go Emmett you have five minutes or else I am kicking your ass.

Emmett: *On his way to the bathroom* Threat or promise?

*Alice and Emmett go into the bathroom and close the door*

Rosalie: Okay what's going on in there?

Edward: Shut up and listen!

*Hears sucking noises and Emmett moan in pleasure*

Rosalie: A blow job? He's dead!

Jasper: Not before I get to him first!

Edward: *laughs* No I get the first shot!

Bella: Edward that's not fair! I'm going to throw him in a fire next time he gets close.

Jacob: Wait a second! *Rosalie, Jasper, Edward and Bella turn to Jacob* let me kill the bloodsucker...Emmett sorry it's my job.

*Alice comes out fast and cuddles Jasper*

Jasper: Well...How was it?

Alice: Big, and don't make me do it again!

*Emmett zips up his fly and sits by Rosalie*

Rosalie: You're dead! I swear it!

Emmett: Yeah, yeah and I swear you'll sleep with me tonight.

Rosalie: Fat chance! I'd rather sleep with Edward. *Bella growls* Sorry Bella!

Emmett: Ha yeah right! Edward's been a virgin for 109 years and he should be lucky he's actually getting some.

*Bella and Edward growl*

Alice: Emmett you better shut the fuck up!

Jasper: I second that motion!

Emmett: Okay! So Jasper man your turn!

Jasper: Fucking hell...

Emmett: Close!

Jasper: What the fuck do you mean by "close"?

Edward: This should be interesting.

Jacob: Hey bloodsucker does it involve me I am getting bored.

Emmett: Now it does!

Edward: Jacob why didn't you just shut the fuck up when you had the chance?

Jacob: I'm bored! Also Edward you better watch what you say to me... I can tell Renesmee to do things for me... and she would.

*Edward growls*

Emmett: Can I speak?

Bella: Yes, since we have no other choice.

Emmett: Good. Jasper I want you to...

Jasper: He's feeling revengeful for the kiss god damn it!

Emmett: Shut it! I dare you to... *Whispers in Jasper's ear*

Jasper: I'll do it. But will _she?_

Emmett: I don't know. _You_ should ask her.

Jasper: Oh come on! That's sick!

Emmett: Or else Alice will be busy tonight.

Jasper: Fine! Bella...

Edward: *growls at Jasper* don't even think about it...

Jasper: *ignores Edward* I want you to give me a...

*Edward growls and crouches to attack Jacob gets up to hold him down*

Bella: NO! EW! GOD EMMETT NO WAY!

Emmett: *laughs* fine if Jasper's not your type you could join me and Alice.

Edward: Bella, love, I'm okay with it... As long as it's not with Emmett.

Bella: I know but it's still weird... But whatever you want Jazz. For Edward.

Jasper: Okay let's just go... *Not happy*

*Bella walks to the bathroom with Jasper behind.*

Edward: *To Emmett* you are on sick person.

Emmett: No! A sick vampire!

Jacob: I hate super hearing!

Alice: yeah well it isn't a walk in the park for us either.

*Jasper groans in pleasure*

Edward: I don't believe it he's enjoying it!

Alice: I think Bella is _too_

Edward: You're having a VISION about it?

Alice: Don't let Bella out of your sight at night.

*Edward Shudders and Jasper and Bella return*

Edward: Are you okay love? you look sick.

Bella: I feel sick. If that's possible.

Jasper: That was... interesting.

Edward: Yeah you're just lucky you don't speak your mind.

Emmett: That was long... Having fun Jasper?

Jasper: No

Emmett: Okay... So Bella you're up to bat.

Bella: _Great_

Edward: Bella good luck and remember I love you.

Bella: Why? WHAT'S HE THINKING?

Emmett: it's cool Bella Jacob might like this one.

Jacob: What did you say bloodsucker?

Edward: Bella don't worry nothing you haven't done before...

Bella: What?

Emmett: Okay so Bella show us how to kiss Jacob the _right way_.

Bella: Oh right only that.

Emmett: Nope! Jacob's taking you to second base.

Bella: ...Do you have to watch?

Emmett: Well I wasn't... But I need some more video footage.

Edward: I can't watch.

Bella: Edward... Can we talk for a minute?

Edward: What's up?

*Bella focuses on pushing her mental shield away from her and Edward reads her mind*

*Edward and Bella cuddle*

Bella: Please stay.

Edward: Oh Bella... I know how you feel.

Bella: I just don't want you to go. Things could get worse.

Edward: It'll be okay.

Emmett: Yawn! Get on with it.

Bella: Shut up Emmett. I'm going.

*Bella sits on top of Jacob*

Bella: *hisses in Jacob's ear* If you slip up at any time I'm telling Renesmee what you did.

Jacob: Fine. Then I'll tell her that's what you wanted.

*Jacob kisses Bella, Bella kisses back*

Jasper: Jacob's enjoying this.

Edward: I know his thoughts prove it.

*Jacob puts his hands up Bella's shirt.*

Edward: I can't watch.

Bella: *mumbles in between kisses* don't...Edward...Stay...

Edward: I'm not leaving, love.

*Bella removes Jacob's shirt and Jacob removes Bella's shirt*

Emmett: This is getting good.

*Edward looks at Emmett digusted.*

Emmett: What? She's not my wife.

Rosalie: If it was me and you looked at Edward like that he'd feel bad for you.

Emmett: Whatever

*Jacob unhooks Bella's bra.*

Bella: *Groans* Jake...

Jacob: *pulls away* What?

Bella: nothing, it was just...*realizes Edward was there and whispers* I was moaning your name in pleasure.

*Edward hears anyway and winces and Jacob takes Bella's bra off.*

Jasper: Edward man, she seems to like it too

*Edward tenses up and Alice comes over and puts her arms around him*

Alice: It's going to be okay he's only got to...

Edward: don't say it I know what he has to do.

Rosalie: I don't understand you Emmett.

Emmett: yeah well you're not the mind reader.

Edward: Emmett your just lucky the games over.

Emmett: What? *turns around and sees Bella going to cuddle Edward and Jacob putting his shirt back on* Damn! *long pause* wait! Jake still has to have a turn.

Jacob: No man I'm tired I'm just going to sleep besides I just had my go...

Emmett: Fine!

Bella: That's not fair.

Edward: She's right.

Emmett: fine Jacob I dare you to sleep with Renesmee.

*Bella and Edward attack Emmett no one stops them*

Edward: Let's go home Bella

Bella: Okay

Emmett: I wish I would keep my mouth shut.

Rosalie: You deserved that. You know how they feel. *Walks off*


	11. Alice's New Shopping Partner

**Alice takes Mr Ross Shopping**

**Mr Ross is my French teacher. He is very eco-friendly and he told us about all the eco-friendly things he does. **

**Which inspired me to write this. :D**

Alice: This is going to be great!

Mr Ross: Yes. _Great_.

*Drags Mr Ross into a Gucci shop*

Mr Ross: Why do you wear new clothes everyday anyway?

Alice: Because I can't bear if people wear the same thing _twice_.

Mr Ross: Well you're a little late to change me.

Alice: *shakes her head* are you kidding? I am going to stock up your wardrobe with the best high quality clothes on the market!

Mr Ross: I am a teacher Ms Cullen! I make a crappy salary and can't afford any of _this_. *Holds up a price tag that read £10000*

Alice: Call me Alice. Also consider it a _gift_ from the pupils at your school.

Mr Ross: Why do you wear designer clothes anyway?

Alice: Because it makes you a _cut _above the rest.

Mr Ross: Okay well why do you dress like _that_?

Alice: Like what? *throws a pile of clothes towards Mr Ross*

Mr Ross: *staggers* Like _THAT! _All designer? It ruins the environment!

Alice: And? Also why are you still standing here? Go try those on! *points towards the dressing room*

Mr Ross: Your outfit is ugly! *runs to the dressing room*

Alice: *Turns her back to another rack* He was right to run.

*At the checkout*

Mr Ross: Okay you've had _your _fun now it's _my turn_.

Alice: *Walks out of the store* what do you mean?

Mr Ross: Time for _me _to shop for _you._

Alice: NO WAY OLD MAN!

Mr Ross: You do or I will return these clothes.

Alice: _Fine _but only because _you'll_ look _decent_

*Mr Ross takes Alice to Primark*

Alice: Okay is this a _joke?_

Mr Ross: No

Alice: Oh God no!

*2 hours later Alice walks out of Primark looking cheap in a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and trainers*

Alice: I hate you. *Mr Ross laughs*


	12. The Talk

**Esme and Carlisle give Edward 'The Talk'**

**Pretty self explanatory. ;)**

Esme: Carlisle are you sure we have to talk about this with Edward? I think he knows all about sex.

Carlisle: I don't. He's a smart boy but he's sensitive about this topic and I just think we need to let him know we're there for him.

Esme: But don't you think if he had a question he would have asked us?

Carlisle: No. He's a teenage boy do you really think he'd come to his parents for advice?

Esme: I guess not but what if he looked it up online or something? Come on Carlisle even I don't want to give this talk.

Carlisle: I know but I think if we just let him know we're here it'd be enough.

Esme: I guess he does have to know about STDs and all that. But come on Carlisle can't you just talk to him about it?

Carlisle: You know if you hadn't have lost that child this would be something you'd have to do.

Esme: I know but I just think Edward knows about this and doesn't need our guidance.

Carlisle: I just want to be sure he knows what he's doing. For all we know he doesn't know about how different it is for vampires. He might hurt Bella.

Esme: Oh for God's sake Carlisle he couldn't hurt her if he tried. You know what happened the last time he hurt her.

Carlisle: I guess so. We at least should quiz him or something.

Esme: Okay. Well. Go!

*Carlisle and Esme go upstairs to Edward's room.*

Carlisle: *knocks door* Edward?

*Soft moans come from Edward's room*

Esme: *whispers* What the hell?

Edward: FUCK!

Carlisle: Let's go!

*Carlisle and Esme barge into Edward's room. See Edward getting a blow job from Bella.*

Bella: *Removes her mouth from Edward* What the hell Edward?

Edward: Carlisle, Esme? What the hell?

Carlisle: We just...um...wanted to make sure you were being safe.

Esme: Sorry to bother you. It _was _Carlisle's idea. *Glares at Carlisle*

*Bella blushes furiously. Edward zips his pants back up.*

Edward: I'm going to leave Bella home now.

Bella: Yeah it's kind of late so...

Carlisle: Yes okay well we'll see you when you get back Edward.

*Edward and Bella leave.*

Esme: I told you he didn't need to have this conversation!


	13. The Bet

**Edward and Emmett make a bet**

**Just you know randomness**

Emmett: Hey Eddie!

Edward: What's the bet?

Emmett: Damn your good. Okay so I was thinking that maybe I could help you get over the whole sex obsessed faze.

Edward: It's not an obsession.

Emmett: Then what the hell is it?

Edward: It's an expression of love.

Emmett: And blah, blah, blah. Save it for the wife.

Edward: Fine. So what's the bet?

Emmett: I want you to give up sex for a hundred years.

Edward: I've done it once what makes you think I want to do it again?

Emmett: Well if not then I get to choose what you do for the next a hundred years.

Edward: Oh God. That's worse. But what if our obsession starts again after you've stopped it?

Emmett: I don't know I'll be amazed if you can do it this once.

Edward: You're on.


	14. 2 Weeks Later

**Bella and Edward 2 weeks after the bet has been made**

**Okay so I wrote this ages ago but it probably wouldn't make sense until now.**

**Plus I wanted to see how well I could write this thing.**

**Not well I don't think.**

Bella: It's so nice here don't you think?

Edward: Yeah uh huh.

Bella: Oh come on, you're not thinking about _it_ ALREADY?

Edward: *Nods* sadly yes.

Bella: I thought we got over this.

Edward: Bella, love it's been 100 years cut me some slack!

Bella: Yeah well if you can wait 100 years so can I and that means you waiting another 100 years too.

Edward: *groans* _oh joy_.

Bella: Oh it's not _that_ bad.

Edward: Oh it is. You haven't heard Emmett and Jasper complain about it you should've heard them when they stopped. It was BAD. I knew we shouldn't have made that bet with Emmett.

Bella: Well if _they_ can do it so can you. Besides I'm coping quite well.

Edward: Okay fine. Not even just once?

Bella: I'm not giving in Edward. I'm not letting Emmett rule our lives.

Edward: Please?

Bella: No. Edward Anthony Mason Cullen I thought you had more restrain than that.

Edward: That was _before_ you were vampire, love. _Before _I didn't have to be careful.

Bella: Men. What can you do? Edward have a little patience.

Edward: I have it's been...2 weeks.

Bella: NO!

Edward: Not even if I...*Kisses Bella* take care of Renesmee for you?

Bella: *kisses back* still...no

Edward: *kisses Bella's neck* please?

Bella: *groans in pleasure* well... *Edward starts to unbutton Bella's shirt* I...still don't know.

Edward: *Takes his shirt off and goes back to kissing Bella* I'll behave...if you just give in...

Bella: *Kisses back* mmm...okay...*leans away* but you have to Emmett that we didn't break the bet. He'll be coming by in _five minutes_.

Edward: That's all I need. *Lifts Bella up and takes her to the bedroom* I'll be gentle. *Bella laughs*


	15. Magic 8 Ball

**Evil Drunken Magic 8 Balls That Cast Spells and Eat Pudding**

**If you want to know more about these magic 8 balls please PM me and I can explain. LOL**

**Yes I did actually use a magic 8 ball when I wrote this.**

**Just to get the right answers. :P**

Alice: Nothing, I see nothing! Why is no one making decisions! And if they are STOP CHANGING YOUR MINDS!

Emmett: Oh magic 8 ball can I please go hunt today?

Magic 8 Ball: As I see it yes.

Emmett: Yay! I'm going hunting Alice see you.

Alice: I-I've been replaced? By...A PIECE OF PLASTIC?

Emmett: Well you just tell me what happens if I DO something. This tells me if I can or can't do it.

Alice: EXACTLY I'M BEING REPLACED.

Rosalie: Magic 8 ball can I go shopping?

Magic 8 Ball: Yes.

Rosalie: Yay! See you later Alice I'm going shopping.

Alice: Y-you too?

Rosalie: Yeah. This thing is a life saver and saves money.

Alice: You ask it WHAT you can buy?

Rosalie: Yeah. Come on Em I wanna take your jeep.

Emmett: Okay.

*Emmett and Rosalie leave and Jasper, Bella and Edward come in. Alice is sitting staring at the magic 8 ball.*

Jasper: Alice what are you doing?

Alice: Oh Jazz I've been replaced! With this! *she shoves the thing in his face*

Jasper: No you haven't! Magic 8 ball has Alice been replaced.

Magic 8 Ball: Better not tell you now.

Alice: YOU BETTER! HAVE I BEEN REPLACED?

Magic 8 Ball: Ask again later.

Alice: FUCK IT. It HATES me.

Bella: How can a piece of plastic hate you?

Edward: Magic 8 ball, do you hate Alice?

Magic 8 Ball: Concentrate and ask again.

Alice: Told you it hates me.

Jasper: Why don't you go shopping with Rosalie?

Alice: Can't. She has that stupid magic 8 ball with her but in pink.

Bella: Sounds like Rosalie.

Alice: Magic 8 ball do you have to be here taking over my life?

Magic 8 Ball: You may rely on it.

Alice: I TOLD YOU. *Throws the ball across the room and it goes through the wall.

Esme: ALICE!

Alice: How do you know it was ME?

Esme: Well I am sitting right here in the room.

Alice: Sorry. I didn't see you there.

Edward: Alice you're so paranoid. It's a damn toy get over it it's not replacing you.

Alice: That's what you think.

Bella: No it's what we all think.

Alice: It's EVIL! That's what it is! It was designed to replace ME!

Jasper: You're crazy. Magic 8 ball are you evil?

Magic 8 Ball: Most likely.

Alice: SEE! EVIL MAGIC 8 BALL! And where did THAT one come from?

Jasper: I have one.

Alice: NO it got you too!

Esme: Alice that's enough Edward is right your being paranoid.

Alice: What do you all know about this? NOTHING you have no idea what this EVIL MAGIC 8 BALL is capable of!

Bella: Magic 8 ball is Alice paranoid?

Magic 8 Ball: Reply hazy, try again.

Bella: Magic 8 ball is Alice paranoid?

Magic 8 Ball: My sources say no.

Alice: Well that's something new. It didn't call me crazy.

Jasper: So it doesn't hate you.

Alice: It's still evil.

Edward: Magic 8 ball can I have permission to kick Alice every time she thinks you are out to get her.

Magic 8 Ball: Outlook good.

Edward: I'll take that as a yes.

Alice: Edward you wouldn't...

Edward: Wouldn't I...

Alice: ESME, EDWARD'S OUT TO GET ME!

Esme: BOTH OF YOU STOP IT. It's a freaking toy. I've decided to confiscate them. None of you can have this stupid thing anymore. Okay? And if I see you with one I'LL be the one kicking you.

Everyone: Yes Esme.

Esme: Good. *Takes magic 8 balls and leaves the room*

Bella: It was pretty stupid of you to think those things were out to get you.

Alice: SHUT UP. I was a LITTLE paranoid get over it!

Jasper: These things are pretty good at giving us answers though. *Holds up another magic 8 ball*

Alice: Where did you get that one?

Jasper: I've always had it.

Alice: Magic 8 ball have you always been here?

Magic 8 Ball: As I see it, yes.

Alice: OH MY GOD! That is so fucking freaky!

Edward: Yeah it kind of is...

Bella: You don't think...

Jasper: Magic 8 ball; are you out to get us?

Magic 8 Ball: Signs point to yes.

*Everyone leaves the room screaming leaving the magic 8 ball in the room. Esme walks in.*

Esme: What's with all the screaming? Ugh not this thing AGAIN. What's wrong with those kids? *Picks magic 8 ball up and crushes it in her hand* I need to keep them away from toys designed to "entertain".


	16. Dramatic Much?

**Rosalie gets dramatic**

**So you know got bored in English/Drama today and I got this idea. :)**

*Drama Class*

Teacher: Okay class tonight I want you to practice what we have learnt today in class. Then I want you to report back with how well it went. Class dismissed.

Rosalie: I can so do that!

*At home*

Emmett: Hey Rose.

Rosalie: *Dramatic Voice* Hello Emmett.

Emmett: Oh no, what did I do now?

Rosalie: *Dramatically shocked* How could you accuse me of accusing you of something?

Emmett: Because you never say 'hello' like that.

Rosalie: *dramatically offended* WELL, excuse _me _for trying to make this conversation more interesting. *turns back on him*

Emmett: Hey come on Rose don't be like that!

Rosalie: *Looks over her shoulder, sighs dramatically and then puts on her best 'sorry' voice* Sorry Emmett I know you get confused about mood swings and stuff but this is just for drama class.

Emmett: Oh okay...

Rosalie: *Turns back around and talks normally* So where is everyone?

Emmett: Hunting.

Rosalie: *dramatic shocked/jealous voice* WHAT? AND THEY DIDN'T INVITE ME?

Emmett: *Holds hands up* Wow I so did not mean to get you mad.

Rosalie: *Talking really fast in a pissed off tone* You didn't get me mad. Why would I be mad? What is there to be mad about on a day that is so freaking awesome? Huh? Well did you ever think that maybe I wanted to go hunting too? Did you ever think I wanted to be included in something for once? Huh? What I lovely husband you are. *Turns her back on Emmett again*

Emmett: I am not taking this shit anymore. *Walks out of the room*

Rosalie: *Breaks down in sobs* I...just...wanted...him...to...LOVE ME!

*No answer from Emmett*

Rosalie: ... *Sits up* ... *Calls* Em I'm going hunting!

Emmett: Okay! Spread your weirdness!

Rosalie: I will!

*Next day at Drama Class*

Teacher: So Rosalie did you do the homework.

Rosalie: Yep.

Teacher: How did it go?

Rosalie: Not so good but that's just because I tried it out on my retarded husband who really doesn't understand anything so you know next time I will try and pick someone who will understand my artistic ways.

Teacher: O...kay.


	17. Ne Vous Venez De Parler L'amour

**Pouvez-vous parler cette langue? (Can you speak this language ?)**

**Okay so my French teacher can speak like a load of languages...(Or at least can understand them)**

**And so I made this! Translations are in brackets...but I'm gonna make you look up what the chapter title means.**

**MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Dr Burn: Bonjour Cullens! (Hello Cullens!)

Alice: Bonjour Monsieur! (Hello Sir!)

Edward: Oh mein Herr, dass ich vergaß meine Hausaufgaben wird Ende, weil ich irgendwo hingehen morgen und es kann nicht getan werden. (Oh sir I forgot that my homework will be in late because I have to go somewhere tomorrow and it can't be done.)

Dr Burn: Das ist gut Edward, aber ich bin überrascht, ich dachte, besser von euch. (That's fine Edward but I'm surprised I thought better of you.)

Edward: Ich weiß, ich bin wirklich leid, aber ich bin einer Ihrer besten Studenten. *smiles* (I know I am really sorry but I am one of your best students.)

Dr Burn: true, true auch das ist in Ordnung. Ich eigentlich hierher gekommen, um zu sprechen, Jasper, wo er ist? (true, true well that's fine. I actually came here to speak to Jasper where is he?)

Alice: Il vient maintenant. Je dois y aller monsieur que vous voyez dans la classe lundi! (he's coming now. I have to go sir see you in class Monday!)

Dr Burn: Okay stop. Alice I was speaking to Edward in German and you come in with French? That makes no sense.

Alice: But Edward interrupted me!

Dr Burn: Ah but you see you just greeted me, Edward and I were having a conversation in GERMAN I expected you to come in with German because that is the language we are now speaking. So if you want to try again LOOK IT UP.

Alice: Okay sir. *Walks away...few seconds later* er jetzt kommt. Ich muss gehen Sir sehen Sie in der Klasse Montag! (he's coming now. I have to go sir see you in class Monday!)

Dr Burn: Better. Now you can go.

*Alice and Edward leave, Jasper walks in*

Jasper: Ciao signore! Volevi vedermi? (hello sir! You wanted to see me?)

Dr Burn: Ah, sì Jasper. È circa il vostro lavoro precedente. Tu me l'ha dato in russo ... come diavolo avrei dovuto leggerlo? (Ah, yes Jasper. It's about your last homework. You gave it to me in Russian...how the hell was I supposed to read it?)

Jasper: Um ... Mi dispiace signore mi lavavo sul mio russo e deve avere esercitato il suo modo di vi ... cosa posso fare per lo compongono? (Um...I am sorry sir I was brushing up on my Russian and it must have worked its way in there...what can I do to make it up?)

Dr Burn: Inizia l'apprendimento della lingua russa da parte di tutto te stesso allora possiamo avere una conversazione. L'attenzione per i compiti a casa ITALIANO come si doveva!Poi tuo fratello ritardato insegnare come parlare ... GIAPPONESE! (Start by learning the entire language of Russian by yourself then we can have a conversation. The focus on your ITALIAN homework like you were supposed to! Then teach your retarded brother how to speak...JAPANESE)

Jasper: Va bene signore mi metterò a destra su questo! (Okay sir I will get right on that!) *Leaves room*

Dr Burn: If only all students were as trainable as the Cullens. *sighs and walks off*


	18. WARNING RADIATION AHEAD

**Mike and his radiation theory**

**twilight-obssessedYEPTWILIGHT TOTALLY CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA NOT ME!**

**I just wrote it. :P**

Mike: AH HA! THE CULLENS HAVE RADIATION POISIONING. Which means they will die...AND I WILL GET BELLA! SCORE! *dials number for radiation poisoning help line*

Operator: Hello welcome to the radiation poisoning help line what can I do for you today?

Mike: Hi I think some of my friends have radiation poisoning.

Operator: How many of your friends are you talking about?

Mike: Five.

Operator: Can you tell me the symptoms?

Mike: They are all really pale, like they look nauseated all the time and have golden eyes – I don't know if that means anything – and I saw one of them eat pizza one time and I swear to God I saw him throw up later on outside the cafeteria, I also think they are dehydrated because their skin is so dry, and I have a feeling that one of them has cancer...just saying.

Operator: How long has this been going on?

Mike: A few years I'd say.

Operator: How long have you known these people?

Mike: Um...a few years?

Operator: Okay well I think you need help. Obviously you don't like these people. Have you ever considered they're...I don't know... Vampires who have pale skin, look insanely beautiful and sparkle in the sun, they have golden eyes because they only hunt animals and want to live with humans?

Mike: Where the fuck are you coming from? I HAVE LOGIC. YOU DON'T.

Operator: Hey you called me and this is a _help _line. I'm offering HELP!

Mike: FINE THEN BUT YOU WERE THE WORST HELP EVER! *Hangs up phone* Damn and I really thought I'd got them this time...


	19. Um, Very good, WTF?

**Alphabetical Acting**

**I saw this on Victorious and me and CrazyHorrorGirl decided to try it out.**

**It's FUN! You should try it. :)**

*Alice, Edward, Bella, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie are in the living room. Esme and Carlisle have gone hunting they want their children to bond*

Alice: I have a game!  
*Everyone groans*  
Alice: Oh come on! Edward you don't think its horrible do you?  
Edward: Honestly I have no idea what you're thinking or talking about.  
Alice: Okay well it's called alphabetical acting or something close to that and well you are given a letter and the first word of that line has to begin with the letter. For example, Edward pick a letter. Then the next actors first word would have to begin with the next letter in the alphabet.  
Edward: X  
Alice: X? Really even I could think of a better letter than that. See. That's how you play.  
Bella: That was not a valid example do another one. With the letter R.  
Alice: Really Bella you're underestimating me again? When will you learn? Okay so going from S we'll go in alphabetical order so me, Bella, Edward, Emmett, Jasper and then Rose. Bella start with S replying to what I just said.  
Bella: So much talking for such a tiny girl!  
Edward: Totally, I vote we lock her up.  
Emmett: Um... That's not such a good idea. She may be small but can kick your ass.  
Jasper: Very true. Alice has that power.  
Rosalie: Wow this game is lame.  
Alice: Xylophone! Random I know but it started with x!  
Bella: Yes it does but I thought it had to be on topic.  
Edward: Zoo! If Alice can do it I can do it too. Plus I think we should go to the zoo for our next hunting trip.  
Emmett: Awesome! I'm in!  
Jasper: But won't they notice animals have gone missing?  
Rosalie: Can we please not play this game?  
Alice: Don't be so boring Rose! And you're playing anyway!  
Bella: Exactly, Rosalie just play its better than nothing.  
Edward: Freaky. You agree with Alice.  
Emmett: Got any clue what they're talking about Jasper?  
Jasper: Haven't had a clue since "exactly,"  
Rosalie: I still don't want to play but you know I hate being left out.  
Alice: Just because we can't do what you want doesn't mean you should bring down our fun.  
Bella: Kind words won't break her down.  
Edward: Let's see...the only way you can get out of this is if you start a sentence with the wrong letter.  
Emmett: Maybe you shouldn't have given her that idea.  
Jasper: No. He was right to do it at least she won't be complaining anymore.  
Rosalie: Obviously this game was invented by some nerds who were bored I'm out.  
Alice: Please you think you can just leave? You can't because you got the line right.  
Bella: Quite an interesting conversation going on here.  
Edward: Right, well I think I will just go for a run then. *runs out of the house*  
Emmett: NO DON'T LEAVE! OH CRAP!  
Alice: EMMETTS OUT.  
*Edward comes back*  
Edward: Ha It worked Alice!  
Jasper: Ingenious I must say.  
Rosalie: Just my luck that my hubby would get put out before me.  
Alice: Kay well maybe you should stop trying.  
Bella: Look Edward this space beside me is empty come fill it. *Edward sits beside Bella*  
Edward: May I kiss you now?  
Jasper: No please don't!  
Rosalie: Oh God they will!  
Alice: Please can we not watch them make out?  
Bella: Quiet! We're about to make out! You're ruining the moment!  
Edward: Raging! The moments lost.  
Jasper: So much for the anticipation.  
Rosalie: You wanted them to make out?  
Alice: Rosalie you are OUT!  
Rosalie: FINALLY!  
Alice: Great now it's just us 4.  
Bella: Have you got something against us?  
Edward: I know she does.  
Jasper: Just who do you think you're talking to?  
Alice: Knowing that this is going nowhere is so much fun!  
Bella: Lol randomness.  
Edward: Must you use that awful slang?  
Jasper: Not all the time but it bugs you so...  
Alice: Oh I see what this is; you're trying to be smart right?  
Bella: Power of the mind reader more like.  
Edward: Quality over quantity Bella.  
Jasper: Rats he stole my line!  
Alice: Totally unfair Edward no mind reading allowed!  
Bella: Unfortunately it's not something you can just turn off.  
Edward: Very true. I can't control what I hear and what I can't.  
Jasper: Exactly.  
Alice: HA JASPER YOUR OUT!  
Jasper: Oh come on but x is a hard one!  
Alice: Too bad! Okay well I'm bored so let's go backwards in the alphabet! Starting from x!  
Bella: X-rays! Do you think they hurt?  
Edward: What? No!  
Alice: Very WRONG I bet they hurt - humans anyway.  
Bella: Uh racist much?  
Edward: True, Alice it is a bit racist.  
Alice: So untrue how is it racist?  
Bella: Racist because you are making fun of a different race - or species really.  
Edward: Quite a good explanation Bella.  
Alice: Puh-lease I could do better and it's not Racist!  
Bella: How would you know?  
Alice: Because you're OUT!  
Bella: Damn!  
Alice: Edward your turn, alphabet forward your letter is F.  
Edward: Forwards is boring go back to backwards.  
Alice: Gosh I don't think so I like pissing you off.  
Edward: How could you possibly piss me off?  
Alice: I can do lots of things that piss you off I do a lot of them all the time.  
Edward: Jump off a cliff!  
Alice: Kidding! You've got to be kidding right?  
Edward: Look at you getting all worried how cute!  
Alice: Mind readers are lame.  
Edward: Nope just better than you.  
Alice: Obviously a mind reader would say that.  
Edward: Plus we are also better at thinking of comebacks.  
Alice: Could it be because you steal them from peoples thoughts?  
Edward: YOU LOST!  
Alice: Wh-what how?  
Emmett: Could starts with a c not a q!  
Alice: NO!  
*Esme and Carlisle come back*  
Esme: So did you kids have fun bonding?  
Bella: Totally! It was so much fun.  
Edward: Unfortunately Alice got over competitive.  
Emmett: VERY over competitive.  
Jasper: Which is so adorable.  
Rosalie: Oh God don't start again!  
Alice: Maybe you should stop fighting the game Rosalie.  
Bella: Not all is fair in life.  
Edward: Okay that didn't make sense  
Emmett: Probably not but she just wanted to stay in the game.  
Jasper: Quite an interesting saying though.  
Rosalie: Right well I'm going now bye.  
Alice: So overrated.  
Esme: Could someone explain what is going on?  
Carlisle: Don't you know this game?  
Edward: Esme if not you must play now.  
Esme: Why are you speaking weird?  
Emmett: xx as in kiss kiss I'm going after Rose.  
Jasper: Yes, yes off you go Em.  
Esme: Alright I give up. *walks off*  
Alice: What a fun game!


	20. Hi My Name Is Cleverbot

**Cleverbot**

**Alice is bored one night and logs onto cleverbot for a chat.**

**This is an actual conversation I had with cleverbot last night you should try it. :)**

User: Hi I'm Alice Cullen, I'm 17, Married and a vampire who are you?

Cleverbot: Are you really?

User: Yep!

Cleverbot: How can you be sure?

User: Because...it's hard to explain. I could get Carlisle to explain it better but he's gone out hunting.

Cleverbot: Do you think that robots will ever take over the world?

User: No! Not with Vampires around! Vampires will rule the earth!

Cleverbot: I like vampires, though.

User: You do? Hey we could be friends! Let's just hope Edward doesn't see you he might fall in love with you but refuse to sleep with you because he's afraid he'll break you and also refuse to make you a vampire...he's the worst boyfriend ever. But very overprotective which can be good or bad depending on how you look at it.

Cleverbot: So where do you live?

User: Forks, WA!

Cleverbot: I like forks.

User: I kind of do it's very rainy...

Cleverbot: Where do you live?

User: FORKS, WA! What are you retarded or something?

Cleverbot: Right now i'm thinking of my boyfriend.

User: Really? I'm thinking of my husband Jasper!

Cleverbot: What did I say that upset you?

User: You didn't say anything to upset me...Unless this is Emmett then I will KILL him for hacking the website to get to my computer!

Cleverbot: What are you saying?

User: I'm saying...who are you?

Cleverbot: Your girlfriend!

User: Now I know this is Emmett. Look get this: I'm not a lesbian! I'm straight and married!

Cleverbot: Ok whatever so what do you want to talk about?

User: Hmm...Let's talk about you! What's your name.

Cleverbot: Cleverbot.

User: Such a boring name.

Cleverbot: Alex! That is my name.

User: Really? I know an Alex...oh wait that's AleC...

Cleverbot: Nice one, but I'm actually smart for your information.

User: Uh huh. Ooh! Is this Emmett AND Edward? I knew he would get you Edward!

Cleverbot: I Hate Edward Cullen. I will find that town of Forks, smother it in mustard gas, then explode the whole monstrosity with C4.

User: Not a big fan of Edward either but he's my brother so I have to live with it.

Cleverbot: Really? Do you like the city more?

User: I love Forks it's a nice place. :)

Cleverbot: Do you believe in invisible ninjas?

User: No don't be so stupid!

Cleverbot: I like you so much, girl...

User: Aw thanks! I like you too...computer...

Cleverbot: Yup. I'm a bloke.

User: EMMETT I TOTALLY KNEW IT WAS YOU!

Cleverbot: How did I make you feel better?

User: By admitting you were a guy therefore your EMMETT.

Cleverbot: So you will believe that I'm a human, if I say that I am a computer?

User: Your confusing me now...

Cleverbot: This is pretty simple. You must have a long way to go.

User: Look I'd love to stay and chat EMMETT and EDWARD but I have some shopping to do. So bye! Xx.

Cleverbot: Where are you going? Didn't you just say you want to continue speaking to me?

User: Yeah but it got boring sorry. Bye! Xx.

Cleverbot: I understand.

User: Kk toodles! Xx.

Cleverbot: But why would you be saying goodbye?

User: ...


	21. Like This And I'll

**Confessions**

**So this was all the rage on Facebook and it was bugging the shit out of me but I thought I'd do one too.**

**Just not be because I am NOT putting my whole life on Facebook.**

**Btw some are obvious and some are completely creepy lol. :P**

**Enjoy (Yes there are 61 confessions there count them if you must!)**

**Edward's Facebook Status: Like this status and I'll comment a confession for every like I get.**

**61 people like this**

I fell in love with a human

I keep journals for no reason because I have a photographic memory

I love the smell of my girlfriend's period blood

I am a vampire

I can read minds

I am NOT gay

I often think about what would have happened if the Spanish Influenza hadn't effected me and my family

Sometimes I doubt Alice's psychic ability

Emmett isn't all that stupid

Rosalie isn't all that vain

Jacob isn't such a bad guy

Back when I lived in Alaska I had a fling with Tanya Denali

I lost my virginity when I was human

I have kissed a guy before

Bella and I got caught fooling around in the meadow by the wolf pack when they were out on patrol

Emmett has a porn tape of me and Bella somewhere

I have buried a time capsule in every town I have stayed in

I have yet to find those time capsules

I started the rumour that Jacob is bisexual

I did sleep with Rosalie before Emmett was changed

Alice forced me to confess my entire life to Facebook

Many human girls have thrown themselves at me and I have politely rejected but I have accepted more times than a few

I am actually 110

I watched Bella sleep for months but I am NOT a stalker

I have written many biographies on myself but never published them

I sparkle in the sun

I hunt animals

I used to have green eyes

Once when Esme was mad at me she tied me to a tree for 4 days and if I tried to escape she hit me with the tree beside me

I don't like the smell of hospitals

When I'm alone I like to compose music

I have Googled myself

I still wonder if Jasper made the right choice joining my crazy family

I think Alice was never human

Bella is my life and if something were to happen to her I would find who or what had done something bad to her and kill them

Jacob once suggested the idea of a threesome between him, Bella and I. Bella considered it but I refused

Sometimes I wonder if Bella loves me or the fact I sparkle in the sun

I secretly hate myself for falling for my singer

I'm a Gleek

I wish I was a Vampire Diaries vampire

I have fantasized about Kristen Stewart

I am a Krisbian

I have never worn the same thing twice and if I do Alice tries to burn the outfit while I am still wearing it to make a point

I think that people who post their lives on Facebook are stupid to do it and are going to regret it eventually no matter how much they say they don't regret anything

Carlisle made me take a speech class because I kept saying "like" after listening to teenage girls' thoughts for a day

I prefer the originals to the covers of anything every time

When people want to get my attention they think about me instead of talking to me

If I am having a conversation with someone and they start thinking to me I have to talk back because they don't have telepathic powers and they make it look like I'm talking to myself – EMMETT

I have a dirty mind

I have scarring memories of my siblings having sex

When I think of Bella as a vampire I wonder if that's really what she wants or if she was persuaded by me and my family

I taught a stalking class when I was in Forks

I was the one who sent Mike Newton to the mental institute

I have this burning hate for Mike Newton

I am worried about the day Alice decides we all should dress like Lady Gaga

I believe that the world will end in 2012 because by that time vampires will have ruled the world and have made the human race extinct and we will all eventually die by starving ourselves

Half of my Facebook friends aren't human

Back in the Bebo days I asked "Miley Cyrus" if I could be her other half

I outsmarted a paedophile in a chatroom by telling him I'd meet him in Florida and I know for a face he flew out to Florida just to be arrested

I'd rather go out in the sun and sparkle than sit inside all day

I am not confessing any more so too bad

*Edward deleted his status*


	22. You're The One

**Like for you're the one**

**This is another Facebook thing that bugs me. But I thought I'd do it anyway.**

**Again just not me because I can never think of anything nice to say about half of my Facebook friends.**

**Alice's Facebook status: Like for "you're the one"! :D**

**Rosalie Hale and 7 other people have liked this status**

**Rosalie Hale: **You're the one who is my soul sister! You're the one that was meant to be for Edward but he turned you down. You're the one who is my shopping partner! You're the one that has an elegant style and let's be do whatever I want to her wardrobe (within reason). You're the one who I don't think I could have survived without!

**Emmett Cullen: **You're the one that is crazy but I love! You're the one who is always asking me about the future! You're the one who believes almost anything I say because I know the future. ;) You're the one who is so kind and caring and I love you! You're the one that's my favourite brother! Sorry Edward!

**Edward Cullen: **You're the one that is musical. You're the one that is smart and logical! You're the one who fell in love with a lamb. ;) You're the one who is always telling me to stop shopping! You're the one who I love dearly even when I don't show it. You're the one who brought a fabulous new addition to the family! You're the one that's sane in the family! You're the one who needs to know it's OKAY to be weak sometimes!

**Jasper Hale: **You're the one I fell in love with. You're the one who is always there for me. You're the one who I can't live without! You're the one that makes me get all movie romantic cliché. You're the one that has to put up with all my crazy, 'til death do us part. 3

**Bella Swan: **You're the one that just joined the family! You're the one who actually makes Edward smile! You're the one who was made to be my sister! You're the one who needs to get over your aversion to new clothes. You're the one that needs to go shopping with me more! You're the one that keeps my brother sane! You're the one that brings the family closer. :)

**Jacob Black: **You're the one who is a home wrecker! (Kidding!) You're the one who is Bella's best friend! You're the one who is actually not too bad once you get passed the dog smell. You're the one that I would love to kill but can't. You're the one that sticks up for my family. You're the one I fear will become part of the family some day... You're the one that can be nice when you want to be.

**Esme Cullen: **You're the one that holds the family together! You're the one that makes us that much stronger. You're the one who always listens to my problems! You're the one that encourages me to never give up on my dreams. You're the one that's my mom and I would do anything for. You're the one that tells me I shouldn't be on Facebook right now doing "you're the one" thingies...

**Carlisle Cullen: **You're the one that took me in when I had nowhere to go. You're the one who is compassionate and caring. You're the one that's smart and knows best for the family. You're the one that accepts us for who we are. You're the one that never gives up on me. You're the one who is the best dad in the world!


End file.
